How to Bag A Free Dinner at Any Restaurant

THURSDAY, JUNE 12 2008

Oh, I get letters...

Q: "Hey Vino Vixen - I love trying new wines - and always buy a different glass of wine when I go to restaurants. But, I am going broke going out to dinner all the time! What to do?"

VV: "Try my Vino Vixen 12 Step Restaurant Rip-Off Program:

1. Once the host has seated you at your table, ask for a basket of bread and a glass of water, no ice, with two lemon slices (set's the tone that you are not one to be trifled with).

2. Review menu while devouring said bread

3. Tell waiter you are disgusted that the menu is not gluten-free, as you have severe gluten allergies.

4. Act snippy and offended if he points out the loaf of bread you just ate is filled with gluten.

5. Tell waiter to bring you a glass of wine to calm your nerves (be sure you've studied the wine list and ask for one you've never tried - this is a good time to expand your wine palate).

6. Drink it, then shake uncontrollably.

7. Tell waiter you’re also deathly allergic to trace amounts of sulfites.

8. Get very billigerant and indignantly scream litigious words. Use terms like "Allergy Coalition" and acronyms like "ACLU".

9. Demand the restaurant give you a gift certificate to make up for their incredible allergy insensitivity.

10. Calm down.

11. Order a very expensive bottle of wine.

12. Repeat process.

Cheers,

(I should probably insert some legal language here stating this is just a joke and I am not responsible for any stupidity or unethical actions resulting from this post: "Legal mumbo jumbo, blah blah blah." Consider it done.)

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