Xbox Live Top Ten Hate List Pt. 1

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10 2008

Below I have compiled a list of the first five, most annoying gamers on Xbox Live. If one of the following best describes you, please find a light bulb (wattage does not matter), place it in a clean plastic bag and strike firmly with a hammer. Dress two pieces of whole wheat bread with one to two tablespoons of Grey Poupon or similar mustard. Sprinkle the shards of glass over the mustard and consume. Drink some fresh squeezed, unsweetened lemon juice to wash down that delectable Dagwood of death. It is best to use lemons that are indigenous to your region as customizing the recipe to fit your locale is of paramount importance.

10. The guy that looks like Gumby because of a slow internet connection. Upgrade to a cable modem you cave dwelling, wooly mammoth hunting, meal worm chewing, deer hide wearing cave man. Your in game character looks like a 5th grade stop motion movie. Is that even fun? Do you power your online connection by rotating the crank on your Bell telephone like Andy Griffith calling Mount Pilot? Remember kids, when you lag, it's a drag. Stay off the stuff and do your homework. Goodnight.

9. Arguing in general on Xbox Live is annoying and makes my soul hurt. Shut up! You are talking about computer generated puppets on TV, running around killing each other. Ways to identify an argument on Xbox Live are as follows. If you hear the word "dude" yelled 30 times in a statement that is 29 words long, if they're venting blaitently homo-erotic aggression by calling each other gay, and lastly, if one tells the other to do exactly what they've been doing, hoping to reverse the insult. You didn't actually die, even if that was my birthday wish. You guys are so serious about these fictional worlds, even J.R.R. Tolkien would tell you to shave your hands, get a girlfriend, and see the sun at least once a week.

8. Complainy McGee, you died because you suck, not because someone got in your way, or your gun misfired. If you are killed by a guy you claim to have shot a thousand times, don't let everyone know. No one cares who you are or if you die. It's like you're validating your place in the game. I'm not very good at online shooters but if I die, I may yell obscenities, but not into the mic. One of the best excuses I've heard is that the game cheats. Yeah, you are so important to the developer that your character is put at a disadvantage. In actuality you are the best online gamer ever, and the publisher saw this and assigned you a handicap so you wouldn't win every match.

7. The guy who camps so much every one gets pissed and causes a ruckus, thus pissing me off because I hate ruckuses. For those of you who aren't aware of the phenomenon that is camping, allow me to elucidate. Camping is when a player stays in one spot for an extended period of time, waiting for players to come to you, instead of taking an active role. Everyone camps from time to time and it is okay in some circumstances. If a whole gaggle of enemies start to funnel through a certain area, sure, stay their and slay them till they get the point and go around another way. If an entire team camps for an entire match, this can be extremely frustrating and annoying. It has been said that every time a gamer camps, a puppy gets kicked, and all other puppies on earth feel sympathy pains. On the other hand, every time a camper is mercilessly slaughtered, I get some hibbidy dibbidy.

6. Jerks who quit a game when they are about to lose, thus stealing a win from their opponent. Man up, take your loss, eat your Macaroni and Cheese covered in Bacon Bits and Ranch dressing and continue to breath heavily while velcroing your shoes. It is disappointing when you lose but it isn't the end of the world. Besides, you should get used to disappointment like your parents did when they had you. Oh snap, kid!

With a twist that the critics don't want you to know about, you will see what everyone is talking about. Next week, behold the most annoying gamers of the Xbox Live universe. Dare you dive into the rabbit whole? What insanity will be sewn through the furtile soil of lands once lost to...

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