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Certifiable Politics
Dear Chairperson of the Presidential Campaign 2008
I am writing in response to your letter sent to my father via certified mail. I couldn’t help but notice the underlined portion of the letter, explaining that you sent a registered letter to ensure that it reached my father’s hands.
I want to assure you that I do not hide my father’s mail from him, despite the fact that I’m a registered independent and not a member of your political party.
Being a dutiful daughter, I immediately cancelled my plans for the day, in order to drive out to his home and escort him to the post office. I even loaded his walker into the car, so we could negotiate our way into the post office for him to sign for this important communication.
Unfortunately, your two-page letter was a bit confusing. He understood the part about your needing $9 million by the end of August, in order to win the war, but he couldn’t figure out why he was expected to provide these funds. In fact, he didn’t even know we were at war.
Thinking the letter was a subversive attempt by the enemy to steal from him, he promptly tossed it into the recycle bin. But I was curious, so I quickly snatched it out to read. (Yes I confess, I sometimes read my father’s trash.)
I couldn’t help but notice that the terminology was a bit war-like – all those references to
campaigns and attack strategies, and fighting back with a financial army of political foot soldiers. I could also see why he didn’t recognize that the letter was from his own political party – I mean your own candidate’s name was only mentioned a few times, while your opponent’s name was mentioned in practically every paragraph.
Despite the fact that my father and I rarely agree on politics, I did read the entire letter, and the last sentence requesting a donation. But miraculously, the one thing we can agree on, is that anyone who sends a request for funds via certified mail, either doesn’t need the money, or will surely waste what they receive. So I’m afraid that you can’t count on either of us for that $9 million.
But rest assured, my father is a faithful member of your party, and come election day, I will dutifully drive him to the voting center to cast his ballot. Unfortunately, I’m not a member of your party, and having wasted my day driving to the post office for a certified request for a donation, I’m a bit annoyed with your party, so it’s quite possible that my vote may cancel his out.
Sincerely,
ET
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